diabetes mellitus...do i have it?
i tested my blood sugar level last week and it came up to an impressive 6.7. i say impressive because anyone who knows me will know that my sugar intake is way off the charts. so a 6.7 is actually a pretty low reading in my case.
recently...i took the test again and it came up to an absurd figure of 16.4. a 9.7 mmol/l hike is absurd. my sugar intake hasn't been anything far from what it normally is. i should be worried...
but i'm not. truth of the matter is...i knew all along what my unhealthy diet would eventually lead to and if i was at all worried...i would've tried to prevent it. i guess i knew what i was getting myself into and i know that whatever happens along the way is the result of my refusal to change. so i'll deal with it when it comes...in the meantime i just want to live my life the way i want to and not the way anyone else tells me to.
had a conversation about death with my mom today. it wasn't specifically targetted at me but in a way it did bother me. my dad is diabetic and his sugar level is way off the charts. he doesn't take much glucose now but once in awhile he does indulge. my mom wanted me to talk to my dad and tell him to stop being stubborn and take care of his health. she said and i quote "he might not be afraid to die but he's not thinking about others". now that stuck in my mind. my response was "why should he?". if we're always trying to please others by living then why not live forever? people always tell me that people who commit suicide probably didn't think about the ones they left behind. are we supposed to? is it selfish to want to be happy? living longer doesn't necessarily make one happy...it just makes one older.
i totally understand what my dad is doing. he is making the most out of the time he has left. i can honestly say that i'm not afraid to die. shit happens no? i would rather do the things that makes me happy rather than worry all the time about the consequences of my actions. i don't want to fear...i don't want regrets...i just want to laugh and smile as often as i can. yes...death has crossed my mind. such morbid thoughts for a 25 year old.
