i'm a big fat failure

recently i've gone into reflection mode. i find myself falling into an abyss filled with thoughts. its starts at the surface and before i know it i'm digging deeper and deeper into things i thought were already forgotten. the past just doesn't want to stay there. i guess it's about time it starts to hit me smack in the face. i always knew that i couldn't run and hide from it. eventually it'll catch up with me and i still have to face it...i still have to deal with it.

if success is measured by ones achievements and whether their dreams and aspirations are fulfilled then i guess i'm a big fat failure. i didn't become an astronaut...i haven't travelled the world and i don't foresee myself doing so in the near future. i have no real direction in life...my career is not what i imagined even though i love what i do. the only direction in my life is where the wind blows. and that makes me happy. i do the things i want to do...i live the way i want to live. i treat everyday as a new adventure...an experience...a lesson. so if living my life on the edge makes me a failure then i guess i'm glad to be one. i wouldn't want to be someone who's fixated on the idea that success means money and that money buys happiness. i wouldn't want to be so focused on my future that i forget the present.

there's been a lot of talk about marriage...relationships....love...hurt....loss. i know my views aren't exactly normal. i've always tried to be neutral and objective...i've always tried to be rational. when people talk to me i try to keep an open mind and i try to be as honest as possible without being offensive. somewhere along the way i guess i have to be brutally honest and i've earned a reputation for being too straight forward. but i guess the one thing i've learned over the years is that i shouldn't use my ideals as a benchmark. i shouldn't use my standards and my experiences as an example. i shouldn't expect people to reach for the same things i reach for. i shouldn't put ideas into people's heads.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that people have to make their own choices...their own mistakes. i might not understand why it is they make those choices or hold strong to such beliefs but i have to accept them and not try to make them doubt. i always believed that people should be able to explain themselves. if they can't convince me then how did they convince themselves? but now i realize that instead of trying to convert them i should just let it be. they have to go through their lives according to their beliefs and if they make mistakes...it's going to be their own mistakes.

anyway...off the topic...i read in the papers today that some guy divorced his wife in her sleep by saying the word 'talaq' or something along that line 3 times. apparently it means divorce. it reminded me of the movie cold mountain where they say "i'll marry you i'll marry you i'll marry you". but that's out of a movie. this is real life!!! and get this....it's legal! the law actually recognizes it. this guy must have had no balls if he had to do it while she was sleeping. shouldn't there be a rule that the spouse has to be conscious? or better yet...what if he had a deaf spouse? would it be legal then?

1 liner movie reviews:

- v for vendetta - excellent
- inside man - engaging
- green street hooligans - entertaining
- the great raid - educational
- date movie - ..........

newsletter: march 2006

this trip back was hectic. even though i had a 3 day weekend it somehow felt as if i still didn't have enough time. too many errands to run...too many people to see. anyway...overall it was a productive trip back. just makes me reassured that i made the right decision in resigning from my current job in singapore. countdown...40 days and counting.

went for a show by the infamous japanese duo called 'gamorjabat'. don't know how to pronounce it...shall not attempt to. since its already over i guess there's no point in me asking you guys to go catch it. but if you do come across them...go watch it. it might be borderline slapstick...actually...most of it is slapstick but it's good slapstick.

tiesto was great. music was good. weather was fine...although i would have loved it if it had rained. i'm not much of a dancer despite what people might say about me. those spice girls references and stories are all a pack of lies. anyway...to me it was more of a really good concert rather than a rave.

anyway...not much has happened lately. at least not to me. my life seems to be uneventful and boring. i have to leech off other peoples dramas and adventures to make up for my boring existence. i did spend tonnes of money shopping though. buying things that i don't need and eventually won't want. but hey...retail therapy. actually...that's crap. i have no need for retail therapy. it's called retail...full stop. i guess boredom in singapore just hit me. plus i am leaving in 40 days so i have to make full use of my time left. singapore is good for 2 things...shopping and performing arts. both require lots of money so my pockets are getting empty.

btw...i no speak engrish. i is p.j people. will you flen me?

last but not least....

congratulations to all my friends who are getting married. may all your dreams come true and your offspring be good looking and intelligent.

congratulations to my friends who are about to launch something new. good luck and i truly hope that your new business will be a big hit.

to those who are hurting...i'm sorry i'm not around as often as i'd like to be. but i'll always be here for you if you need me. i'm just a phonecall away. roaming charges do apply but i'll gladly bear the cost.

to the ones that i've disappointed....i'm truly sorry. sometimes the best thing to do is remain neutral and not pick sides. i do know that it was wrong for me to have done what i did...but it would also have been wrong if i did otherwise. so in those situations its best to keep quiet. i hope you understand. it was difficult for me...it truly was.

sometimes you love...you lose...you hurt...but it's ok. you just have to heal and move on. and the only way you can do that is to let go.

"parthenophobia"???

got this off my old site. not sure whether they are true but this is what i've gotten off the web.

• hitler was voted 'time' magazines man of the year in 1938
• 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words
• 'unatractiphobia' is a fear of ugly people (reminds me of a few people i know..hrmm)
• according to a british law passed in 1845...attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense...offenders could be hanged for trying (in the end..the same result is achieved..that's compassion for the brits)
• the longest official city name in the world is: Krungthep Mahanakhon Amorn Rattanakosin Mahintara Yudthaya Mahadilok Pohp Noparat Rajathanee Bureerom Udomrajniwes Mahasatarn Amorn Pimarn Avaltarnsatit Sakatattiya Visanukram Prasit...it is the official name of Bangkok.
• the desert rat can have sex up to 120 times an hour
• the female bedbug has no sexual opening...to get around this small problem the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female.
• the sanskrit word for war translates to "desire for more cows"
• the king of hearts in a deck of cards is the only king that does not have a moustache
• humans are the only species on earth to have face-to-face sex (but people still insist on making like animals once in awhile)
• erect giraffe penises are about four feet long
• giraffe's sleep only five minutes at a time for about 20 minutes a day
• dolphins sleep with one eye open
• cleopatra married two of her brothers
• obsessive nose-picking is referred to as "rhinotillexomania."
• Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin (i have no idea whether this is true but it is an interesting thought)
• sex between snakes last between 6 to 12 hours
• women end up ingesting almost half of the lipstick they apply
• experts estimate that a real orgasm burns 112 calories...faked orgasm burn 315 calories.
• "parthenophobia" is the fear of virgins

"she dumped me"

a friend of mine recently got the official rejection from a girl he was dating. initially they were hanging out and getting to know each other and there seemed to be a little bit of chemistry going on there. so things were going pretty well and then suddenly she decides that maybe they're not suitable for each other. so he called me we had a lengthy conversation about how devastated he was.

little did he know...i'm obviously the last person to talk to. i have no words of comfort and no words of wisdom. my motto in life is 'shit happens' so what can i say? i'm not the kind of person who uses any of the following lines...

- don't worry...time will heal
- there are many fishes out there
- you're still young...you'll find someone soon
- she doesn't deserve you anyway

etc....

no matter how hard we try to stay disconnected from our emotions we will definitely feel that pinch. people ask me how i do it....how i stay strong...how do i manage to shrug it off like its nothing. answer is...i honestly don't know. maybe i haven't really put myself out there so i never have the privilege of getting hurt. or maybe it's just because none of them meant enough for me to hurt. maybe i just hurt in silence.....

there is no quick fix. there is no true blue way of protecting yourself. all you can do is hope for the best and if it doesn't turn out right...suck it up and move on. no point trying to dissect the whole thing to figure out what went wrong or what could've been done differently. no point placing blame or creating excuses to make yourself feel better. the sooner you accept it...the faster you can get over it.

if you wanna tell yourself that it was "TRUE LOVE" and that no one else understands what you're going through...then you should probably go dig yourself a hole and jump in after. if you think that there's no hope for healing then you're probably going to suffer and slowly bleed to death.

in the end...we love...we lose...we hurt...we learn...we mourn...we remember...but we still have to move on.

and the oscar goes to....

reese witherspoon? i'm still in shock. but hey...i'm glad ang lee and philip seymour hoffman won for best director and best leading actor respectively. and i'm thrilled that 'crash' won for best picture. overall...i'm pretty satisfied with the results. except for REESE WITHERSPOON????

anyway...feels like i haven't been back in ages. well...in 2 months i'll be back for good and then i'll be wishing i was somewhere else. yes...i've handed in my resignation. i don't think singapore is the place for me. i do love my job though...but in the end...i don't find myself happy there even though i love my job. so...it's back to work in kl...earning malaysian ringgit. i'm looking forward to it though. being in singapore and earning singapore dollars has turned me into quite the shopaholic. i guess having that extra cash around doesn't help ease the habit.

someone mentioned the other day that i don't look and sound like someone who's born and bred in malaysia. i of course was curious to know why. apparently...i speak proper english and without the malaysian accent. ok...granted...i might not speak with a malaysian accent...i don't even know what accent i speak in. definitely not singaporean. but to say that i speak proper english...hence i don't sound like a malaysian is just an insult. we don't live on trees and we don't hunt for food and we don't wear loin clothes. i'm amazed that some singaporeans still think that we malaysian are living in the dark ages. have they not been anywhere but jurong and changi? have they not been exposed to the media?

on top of that...i went to a seminar last week and the speaker could not speak english to save her life. 'cat' became 'kate' and 'note' became 'knot'. i mean common....cat? it's like the first words we learn. A for Apple...B for Boy...C for CAT!!!!! and on the preview to the apprentice on channel 5 the voiceover says "next on the apprentice...a task that is of a galaxy proportion"....WTF??? and they think we can't speak english. granted...there are a certain amount of people in malaysia who can't converse in proper english. so you know what...we're both rocking in the same boat.

movie watch in one word:-

- capote....awesome
- good night and good luck....short
- lord of war....educational
- prime...hilarious
- breakfast on pluto....freaky
- final destination 3 (i was forced)....flawed

didn't get to watch syriana cause my damn dvd player didn't wanna play the disc. planning to go to the dvd shop to see what other hidden treasures i can dig up.