journal: it's easier said than done

is it really? sometimes i think people say things like that because they're just lazy to change...lazy to move from their comfort zone. it's a matter of how much you want to do it....whatever it may be. if you don't want to change then by all means stay where you are. if you think that's the best place for you then you can just stay there but don't expect me to feel sorry for you or to try and understand. everyone has a choice....either this or that. to buy or not to buy...to quit or not to quit...to hold on or to let go. whatever choice you make is your own...not something that people tell you to do...not something that is God's will...it's all yours. deal with it...suck it up...accept it. it might not be the right choice...it might not be the wrong choice...who's to say what's wrong or right except yourself. nobody else knows the details of the situation...the depth of your emotions...the severity of the outcome...the tremendous pain that it's causing. people can tell you that they understand...that they know how you fell...but how many people really do?

yes...it's easier to say make a choice than it is to really pick one...execute and stick to it. it's easy to just say the words without weighing the emotions...the pain. but if you look at it from a logical and reasonable perspective...all roads point to a different direction than the one you're heading down now. i'm not saying that something is wrong. nothing is wrong unless you think it is. and if you turn around...stop for a moment and take a look at yourself...what do you think about your actions? are you being immature...sensitive...dishonest...deceitful? are you in denial? have you really accepted the things i've said? are you dealing with the situation or are you just pretending nothing happened? step away from yourself and tell me....are you happy with what you're doing? do you think its the right thing to do?

darling...don't tell me that it's easier said than done. if you really wanted to do it...you would've done it by now. the fact that you haven't tells me that you don't want to move from this place you're in. i know its comfortable there...it's a place where you know me and i know you...a place where we share memories and experiences. but sometimes things don't turn out the way you want it to. shit happens...so what? deal with it...move on. what are you waiting for?

KEJUTAN!!!!!

all this while i've been waiting for that kellie pickler chick to get booted off american idol 5...now i've found www.votefortheworst.com and all hopes have been shot to hell. i've got money on her to get booted off. not real money course...hsx money :) if you don't know what hsx is just go visit www.hsx.com and you'll find out. back to kellie pickler...she's got a great personality and all that but she's really got to go. after the butchery of bewitched, bothered and bewildered i thought it would be her last performance. but my oh my...votefortheworst.com does have their way of making things stick.

went for a charming wedding dinner today. since it looked like it was going to rain i had to make a last minute change in wardrobe selection. i switched from a linen dress to something slightly more 'mad hatter's tea party' like. all in all it was a delightful evening with no tears but lots of laughter. by the way...it's never good to mix asian food with italian food. i stacked my plate with rice and chicken as well as lasagne. mixing the sweet and sour taste of the chic.ken with the lasagne didn't do me well. it just tasted strange. or did everyone know that bit of information already....

watched 'the sentinel' a couple of hours ago. it was pretty interesting....slightly slow though. the role was meant for jack bauer and michael douglas looks pretty out of shape. but then again he is extremely old by my standards so kudos to him for being able to run around and make it look easy. it did seem a little bit like the first seasn of 24 all squeezed up into 1 hour 48 minutes (according to the running time on imdb.com). i guess if you're a fan of the tv series 24 then this would probably be more suited to your taste buds rather than 'failure to launch' or 'ultraviolet'. overall...it was entertaining but not great.

as the countdown continues i still have 2 working days to endure before i retire. i didn't get to celebrate my last bus ride back cause it was such a last minute return trip. i decided to come home 30 minutes before i got on that bus. didn't have time to whip out the celebration kit. oh well...it's not like i'm actually going to miss travelling to and from singapore every week.

the reason for the last minute return was my brother's surprise birthday party. i guess you could say it was a surprise for me too since i had no clue there was such an event till the 7th hour. doesn't sound like a last minute discovery but i do live 350km's away and it does take me about 5 hours to get home. so anyway...the surprise party went as planned. i hope my brother isn't lying and pretending to be surprised. before he walked into that door and we all shouted "SURPRISE" i was asking the rest of the gang what the word surprise is in bahasa melayu. someone came up with "KEJUTAN" so when my brother did walk through that door you can hear someone shouting "KEJUTAN!!!!". it was hilarious :) by the way...if anyone can tell me what surprise is in bahasa melayu please do...i'm still wondering.

lastly...for the 2 monkeys who challenged me to finish all that food this afternoon...i can do it. i just didn't want to :P

inspired by a true story

hamlet once used the phrase "cruel to be kind". i've always tried to be a polite person. trying to be agreeable and accomodating...always greeting people and showing appreciation and thanks. but over the years i've realized that there comes a time where i really have to be "cruel to be kind". sometimes its done in efforts to avoid uncomfortable situations...other times its done to spare myself and others from an emotional roller coaster ride.

i'm not talking about killing someone to save someone else's life or terminating the life of a cancer patient to spare them from the pain and the eventual demise that comes with the disease. i'm not talking about telling your friends that their outfits are an eyesore to save them from embarassment.

the most common example is ignorance. sometimes in order to save someone and myself from a situation that would eventually end up badly i find i have to avoid the situation completely. ignore that phone call...dismiss the person as quickly as possible if i bump into them somewhere along the way...try my best to stay disconnected. its not because i don't care...it's not because i don't want to know. it's because i probably care more than i should. i ignore those phone calls not because i don't want to talk or listen. i genuinely do care but if the both of us are going to get emotional everytime i answer the phone then i'd rather spare both of us the agony. if i'm going to have flashbacks or wish things could be the way they used to be when it can't then our encounters will always be awkward and emotional.

if that doesn't fail then i guess i have to whip out the ultimate weapon. i have to be bitchy. i'll tell you what pisses me off. i'll tell you how irritated i am with you. i'll tell you how childish you are behaving. i'll tell you everything. i'll have to put my my actions into words and be outright honest about how certain situations make me uncomfortable and how i want to avoid putting myself in a sticky situation. i'd rather be non existent than to exist and have to endure such pain...such anger...such confusion. i'll have to express how i really feel and eventually even tell them my intention of being cruel to be kind. people find it hard to believe though. they ask "if you care about me then why are you doing this to me?"or "you'll only hurt me more". but you know what...in most cases i probably will hurt them more but that kind of hurt doesn't last long. eventually i'm hoping they'll hate me for being cruel and hate is so much easier to overcome compared to hurt.

that sounds like i'm running away instead of facing the problem head on. i don't run away...i try. i usually try to fix things...i usually try to develop an outcome that would benefit both parties. i never liked to end things on a bad note. but when all else fails...when even my words and actions or in some cases inactions seem to disappoint and depress...what else can i do? what's the point of talking to you if we're going to end up arguing. why should i put myself in a position where i'm angry at you? i don't want to be angry at you...i know you don't want me to be angry at you. but everytime we speak that's the outcome? is it wrong for me to want to avoid that? the only way to avoid that is if i stop speaking to you entirely.

how do i live with myself? how do i feel good about myself when i'm putting someone else in so much pain? well....i do have a conscience...so i doubt i'll be waking up with a smile on my face. i just have to keep telling myself that even though i care deeply for you...this is something i have to do....for myself and for you. sometimes i go to the extent of trying to find all sorts of faults in a person just so i can live with the distance. i tell myself that he was unkind...he was dishonest...he was unappreciative. i give myself all sorts of reasons to justify my actions. sometimes i even have to make them up. distance helps me see things from a different perspective...to see and experience things from a different point of view.

put yourself in someone else's shoes...imagine that you're looking at yourself...what would you say about what you're doing? what advice would you give yourself? if you would act and react the same way then by all means keep it up. if you look at yourself and see someone who's acting completely out of whack...then there's still time to change.

i look at myself and see someone who's honest...someone who can be uncompromising...someone who can be irritable at times. i know its not always your fault...most of the time its my fault. but i can't be that person who's able to understand why you do the things you do. i can't be the person to support you when i don't agree with what you're doing. i wish i can be someone you can love...someone you can be proud of...someone you respect....someone you cherish. but i can't...and if you can't accept me the way i am...then i guess we will be what we are...'once in awhile friends' who occasionally make that obligatory phone call or send that monthly email. someone i see once a year at a mutual friends birthday party. i wouldn't be invited to your birthday party or your wedding...i wouldn't even know if you've left the country. a friendship that is only a friendship because of our past history and not because of the present.

so should i stop referring to you as my 'friend'? but just so you know...i still care.

newsletter april 2006

i have my eye on the new samsung P850 or was it 820. anyway...it'll set me back 1800 bucks which doesn't seem like much seeing how most of the phones out there are about 2000 bucks anyway. i also have my eye on the new canon wireless...and a very pretty fujitsu laptop. would someone please sponsor my desires?

will be coming back for good in 2 weeks. will be unemployed...but i prefer the term retirement. thinking of making a career change since i'm young and useless. maybe dabble in some events...editorial...public relations. anyone wanna hire an inexperienced 25 year old who has no idea what she's doing in life? what will i do for money...?? i don't seem very worried no?

haven't watched many movies lately. i did catch 'mrs.henderson presents' though. interesting but rather draggy. derailed was so so and rumor has it was surprisingly hilarious. i've resorted to mainstream chick flicks. it's such a sad time for movies. nothing interesting to watch.

i'm being wrapped in chains as i type...these things are heavy.... :P

labbit crip

once again another trip back home. just think about it...i only have to endure 3 more bus trips before i leave those behind for good. wonder if i'll miss those early mornings in the bus...the condensation on the windows...making sure i sit on the right side cause the morning sun comes in from the left...talking to the bus drivers...trying all sorts of ways to direct the air conditioning elsewhere without anyone noticing...blah blah. or those evenings which is pretty much the same except that i'll be watching the sunset from somewhere in the middle of johor. oh well...i'm glad that it's going to be over and if i miss those bus rides i can always take one down just for fun.

over the past few weeks i've been going to the more obscure shopping malls in singapore. explored a couple of new places instead of going to the same ol orchard road and city hall. there are some pretty cool stores around town...small ones that sell cheap stuff. but its all the cheap stuff that drained my bank account this month. but i managed to get quantity...hehe :) i foresee myself making a lot of trips to singapore just to visit these little stores to get my retail fix.

things i will miss:-

- mcdonalds french fries (no they do not taste the same in malaysia)
- carl's jr.
- channel 5
- efficient public transportation
- 'that CD shop' and HMV
- the shopping

funny how i don't have people to miss. i made a few friends...get along with my colleagues...fell in love with the kids but i doubt i'll miss them. i might be wrong.

on a different note...a lot of singaporeans say 'rabbit' as 'labbit' and 'clip' as 'crip'. think about it...

16 days and counting

the countdown continues....16 days till i'm back for good. i'm hoping that they'll release me earlier though. anyway...i'm starting to feel the pinch. it breaks my heart to leave the kids but i figured it'll have to be done eventually. no point staying there and being unhappy for a few more months or even years when it's bound to happen somewhere along the line. better sooner than later hor?!?

it's been a very eventful week. wasn't planning on coming back but things changed. most people will tell you that they always do in my case. didn't watch any movies this time around though which comes as a surprise even to me. i was hoping to catch ice age 2 but i did hear some nasty things about it. not nasty in the 'dirty' nasty sense...just bad reviews. oh well...can't expect much from movie titles that is followed by a number.

i've set the quiz questions for the next quiz. ain't going to give out too much information just in case some of you from obiwankenobinil are reading this. just bear in mind that i'm a music teacher. enough said :) i do encourage anyone who's interested to show up though. get together with a bunch of nerds and talk about silly things.

went to zouk last night for mambo. it was eventful. met a couple of old friends...made a few new ones. didn't get drunk but everyone else did. i guess that's just me...trying to be the responsible one and making sure everyone gets home safe and sound. i did witness a couple of spectacular things during my visit to zouk. i shall refrain from speaking my mind but i'll just say this...now i know what you guys mean when you generalize/stereotype us girls and say "you girls ah!". some girls out there have no idea how to carry themselves and how to behave. they really give the decent ones a bad reputation. but i get a feeling guys just don't care. they dig the whole idea of girls trying to be cutesy and all flirty and fake. where's the quality control?

damn it...why is it those girls get all the action and nerds like me stay single?

*insert title here*

i didn't know that singaporeans were so verbal. got off the bus on saturday night and there was a cat fight. apparently some lady was pushing some other lady that was in front of her and everything blew up. one fella shouted "can't you wait you BITCH" and the other lady obviously responded with similar words. actually...they were verbal but not very creative. the only word i heard them use was "BITCH".

anyway...went for a drink with a friend on saturday night and it ended up to be a 4 hour conversation about psychos...jerks...transformers...movies and what not's. it's been awhile since i've had a 4 hour conversation. to be honest...there's not many people around that i can have 4 hour conversations with. eventually there'll be silence at the 2 hour mark.

the countdown continues. 4 weeks to go and i'll be back home for good. 4 weeks....25 days...18 working days. have yet to calculate the hours and seconds. but i'm pretty excited about moving back. don't have a real plan yet though. people keep asking me whether i have another job offer back in kl or what i plan to do when i come back. honestly...the wind hasn't started blowing yet so at the moment i've got no plan. call me a 25 year old bummer.

recently i realized that i know a lot of girls who are attracted to losers. ok...maybe losers is too harsh a word to use. guys who just aren't right for them. verbally abusive...sometimes physically abusive. all that leads to psychological abuse. these guys instil fear....making the girl afraid to question...afraid to speak her mind...afraid to be herself. they prey on those who make logical excuses for them even when there is no logical excuse to give. they want total control so that the girls are afraid to leave...afraid to let go.

for those of you who are stuck in a dead end relationship....GET OUT!!!