inspired by a true story

hamlet once used the phrase "cruel to be kind". i've always tried to be a polite person. trying to be agreeable and accomodating...always greeting people and showing appreciation and thanks. but over the years i've realized that there comes a time where i really have to be "cruel to be kind". sometimes its done in efforts to avoid uncomfortable situations...other times its done to spare myself and others from an emotional roller coaster ride.

i'm not talking about killing someone to save someone else's life or terminating the life of a cancer patient to spare them from the pain and the eventual demise that comes with the disease. i'm not talking about telling your friends that their outfits are an eyesore to save them from embarassment.

the most common example is ignorance. sometimes in order to save someone and myself from a situation that would eventually end up badly i find i have to avoid the situation completely. ignore that phone call...dismiss the person as quickly as possible if i bump into them somewhere along the way...try my best to stay disconnected. its not because i don't care...it's not because i don't want to know. it's because i probably care more than i should. i ignore those phone calls not because i don't want to talk or listen. i genuinely do care but if the both of us are going to get emotional everytime i answer the phone then i'd rather spare both of us the agony. if i'm going to have flashbacks or wish things could be the way they used to be when it can't then our encounters will always be awkward and emotional.

if that doesn't fail then i guess i have to whip out the ultimate weapon. i have to be bitchy. i'll tell you what pisses me off. i'll tell you how irritated i am with you. i'll tell you how childish you are behaving. i'll tell you everything. i'll have to put my my actions into words and be outright honest about how certain situations make me uncomfortable and how i want to avoid putting myself in a sticky situation. i'd rather be non existent than to exist and have to endure such pain...such anger...such confusion. i'll have to express how i really feel and eventually even tell them my intention of being cruel to be kind. people find it hard to believe though. they ask "if you care about me then why are you doing this to me?"or "you'll only hurt me more". but you know what...in most cases i probably will hurt them more but that kind of hurt doesn't last long. eventually i'm hoping they'll hate me for being cruel and hate is so much easier to overcome compared to hurt.

that sounds like i'm running away instead of facing the problem head on. i don't run away...i try. i usually try to fix things...i usually try to develop an outcome that would benefit both parties. i never liked to end things on a bad note. but when all else fails...when even my words and actions or in some cases inactions seem to disappoint and depress...what else can i do? what's the point of talking to you if we're going to end up arguing. why should i put myself in a position where i'm angry at you? i don't want to be angry at you...i know you don't want me to be angry at you. but everytime we speak that's the outcome? is it wrong for me to want to avoid that? the only way to avoid that is if i stop speaking to you entirely.

how do i live with myself? how do i feel good about myself when i'm putting someone else in so much pain? well....i do have a conscience...so i doubt i'll be waking up with a smile on my face. i just have to keep telling myself that even though i care deeply for you...this is something i have to do....for myself and for you. sometimes i go to the extent of trying to find all sorts of faults in a person just so i can live with the distance. i tell myself that he was unkind...he was dishonest...he was unappreciative. i give myself all sorts of reasons to justify my actions. sometimes i even have to make them up. distance helps me see things from a different perspective...to see and experience things from a different point of view.

put yourself in someone else's shoes...imagine that you're looking at yourself...what would you say about what you're doing? what advice would you give yourself? if you would act and react the same way then by all means keep it up. if you look at yourself and see someone who's acting completely out of whack...then there's still time to change.

i look at myself and see someone who's honest...someone who can be uncompromising...someone who can be irritable at times. i know its not always your fault...most of the time its my fault. but i can't be that person who's able to understand why you do the things you do. i can't be the person to support you when i don't agree with what you're doing. i wish i can be someone you can love...someone you can be proud of...someone you respect....someone you cherish. but i can't...and if you can't accept me the way i am...then i guess we will be what we are...'once in awhile friends' who occasionally make that obligatory phone call or send that monthly email. someone i see once a year at a mutual friends birthday party. i wouldn't be invited to your birthday party or your wedding...i wouldn't even know if you've left the country. a friendship that is only a friendship because of our past history and not because of the present.

so should i stop referring to you as my 'friend'? but just so you know...i still care.