journal: 1 September 2005 - Five Stages of Healing

it is said that there are five stages to the healing process. i'm not talking about a physical wound where you just slap on a plaster...wait for the wound to dry up and wait for the scab to fall off (or in some cases you just peel it off). if only emotional wounds were so simple.

anyway...the first stage is anger. the part where we feel that we've been mis-treated. that somehow...we've been wronged and not the other way around. it's unfair...it's rude...it's evil...it's just not right. all sorts of excuses are created to fill us up with anger. we hope that such anger is strong enough to generate hate. hopefully...hate would help us let go of the one who hurt us. then we simmer.....

eventually we go into denial. the part of the process where we create excuses to dig ourselves out of the shitty situation we are in. we find all sorts of ways to twist things around...so much so that we become confused...we become jaded. you tell yourself things that you believe would make you feel better losing sight of reality.

"nah...i'm not like that" "this can't be happening" "he never loved me...did he"
"he cheated on me but he still loves me" "i was all a lie"
"he scolds me because he cares....he hits me because he cares"
"its not my fault" "nah...we'll get back together"
"i'm fine!!!!" "it's normal!!!" "she'll come back to me"
"i can't live without her" "none of it was real" "maybe i never loved him"

then comes the bargaining. it's the point in time where you've had enough time to analyze the situation...dissect it and pick it apart till there's nothing left to pick at. you're not sure about what you want....you're not sure about what they want. things become so confusing that somehow you lose yourself in a mess of thoughts...options...emotions. you wonder what would have happened if you reacted differently...if you approached differently. you play different scenarios in your head...sometimes going through conversations that you had. you replay and rewind....replay and rewind....

when the anger...denial and bargaining stops....that's when you go into depression. you start to realize that maybe they aren't going to come back. loneliness creeps in...you start to face reality. you've been hurt...you've been broken. there's no two way about it. they either love you or they don't. they either come back or move on. face it...

and finally...acceptance. you face the music and dance. you take your time to mourn what's lost. it's the time where you can look at the person and not feel hate...jealousy...anger...betrayal...hope...sad. all you want is for them to be happy...even if that means its without you. you become selfless...and you let go.

that doesn't mean you don't love them. it means you love them enough to let go...to let them find happiness...even if it is at your expense. it's unfair to be selfish and cling on when one side is unhappy. so we have to find the inner strength to let go and to move on. the part of us that would do anything to make someone happy...even if it makes us sad. because eventually...we'll learn to be happy for them.