this is my moment of weakness

how does one bear such loneliness...such solitude? i've seen people swallowed in misery...in self pity...in loneliness. it slowly eats away until one day there's nothing left to eat away at. no more soul...no more life...no more hope. how does one cope with that?

yes we are lucky to have friends and family who care. they keep us strong...they keep us going. we derive strength from their strength...their hope...their dreams...their happiness. but what happens to those who have no one? no pillar of strength...no guiding light...no reason to move. who is going to guide them...save them...?

i'm glad i have reason. i'm glad i have strength. i'm glad i have the support of my friends and family. i'm glad i have memories.

i remember :-

- spice girls
- hyperzone
- 20 people...genting highlands...1 apartment...2 estimas
- bbq sessions
- mahjong with my two favourite guys in the world
- line dancing with him
- the night safari and the zoo
- vertical horizon - best i ever had
- graduating
- killer cockroaches and other huge flying insects
- a little penguin named 'fei tai'

and so many more......

not all were great times...some were sad times. but i remember...and because i remember...its real. and those experiences has taught me that there is hope...it is possible to be happy even though things seem as if they can only get worse. just have to make it happen...have to let it happen...have to want it to happen.

random stuff

sometimes i wonder why tourists and foreigners think that we malaysians don't speak english and that we still live on trees in the jungle. other times i don't blame them. first of all...malaysia was one of the destinations in the AXN tv show "world's apart". yes we all spear boar for food and wear loin cloths. then i walk through the singapore/malaysia border and there's a billboard in the malaysian immigrations building that reads "any persons entering or living malaysia". gosh...and i thought that areas with a high traffic of foreigners and tourists should have quality control. anyway...malaysia isn't the only one. singapore still has the "Exposing your valuables and you might end up losing it" poster on their side of the border. plus...i was walking along north bridge road and i saw a poster that read "Drink driving shatters lives".

ooh...read the papers about ms.paris hilton. the dumb blonde who didn't know that london was in britain and that people in europe don't ONLY speak french. plus i did watch an episode of her tv show 'the simple life' and she had to work at a mechanic for a day. so the guy asks her to check the engine and she says something along the lines of "what's an engine?" or "where's the engine?". can anyone be that ignorant (i wanted to say DUMB but it'll be harsh)? or is it all an act? could the smartest thing she's ever done be to make herself look completely idiotic? being a dumb ditzy blonde sells. if you can't sing and dance or act....act dumb yah!

seems like the world is on guard. someone has a sick and twisted way of adding fuel to the fire. things have never been peaceful since 9/11. there was the war in afghanistan and iraq...accusations of weapons of mass destruction...abuse and torture in prisons...a string of terrorist activities in multiple countries...kamikaze bombers...the danish cartoons...and now the graphic pictures of more torture. before the havoc and uproar of the danish cartoons could even end out comes the pictures. plus...the cartoons didn't cause an uprising last year when it was first published. i guess the muslims changed their minds and found it offensive 6 months later. dispute between the muslims and the west seems to be a constant.

but its funny...pakistan gets hit by an earthquake...south east asia is still suffering from the aftermath of the tsunami...poverty and hunger plagues so many countries around the world...and the relief effort comes from western countries. probably because they're the ones that can afford providing relief and also because it's a show..."we're not violent people...we help the needy". a way to try to reverse the misconceptions that people have towards their country. a way to subconsciously sneak into the minds of the poor...the needy...to get them on their side.
we save you...now you must forgive us and support us. hm...it's subtle but it works.

anyway....i live a sheltered life. i've got food on my table...i've got more clothes than i need...i have money to pamper myself. what do i know? do i need to suffer to understand?

movie watch:

- Brokeback Mountain ****
- Pride and Prejudice ***
- The New World **

(out of 5 *****)

i still haven't recovered from the messy "new world". it looked like it had potential...sounded like it had potential...but the execution was just messy. so was the script. there wasn't much dialogue...mostly narration...mostly silence. the storyline was jumping from one place to another. i still haven't been able to figure out whether it's a drama or a love story or adventure or historical. it's confusing. plus...christian bale only shows up during the last 40 minutes of the 2++ hour movie and christopher plummer was probably there for a grand total of 10 minutes. but hey...that's not the point as we all learned from denzel washington and his oscar win for "training day". it's not how much time you spend in the film...is how big an impact you make and how significant your role is to the development of the movie. anyway...i'm still confused and i doubt i'll watch it again to try and figure it out.

pride and prejudice was a surprise though. i kinda liked it more than i thought i would. i never read the book but i've been told that it's one of the greatest love stories ever written. so i'm a sucker for romance...plus i just needed to see kiera knightley's oscar nominated performance. so it's not that great a love story...kinda reminded me of bridget jones' and a bit of sense and sensibility. but what i loved about the jane austen is her ability to make everything sound polite. even the sarcasm and the insults sound polite. i guess it's a lost art. anyway....even though i think kiera knightley can't act...i must say she did pretty ok in this movie. not really sure whether it calls for an oscar nomination but i was impressed.

brokeback mountain was strange...touching...interesting...kinda surreal. i went through the movie trying to understand the pain...the love...the fear. most of the movies i watch leave me with no real thoughts. this one left me with many thoughts. definitely belongs in the oscars.

movies to watch:

- capote
- good night and good luck
- history of violence
- munich
- lord of war
- syriana

journal: 19th February 2004 - assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups

i recently had a very interesting session with a couple of friends. we were discussing the topic of relationships and also the difference between men and women. apparently...men seem to think they know us women very well. they know how we're going to react to certain situations...they know how we think...how we feel...how we interpret certain things. i don't even know what we're supposed to be like and they seem to think they have it all figured out. are we women supposed to be the same? are we supposed to think the same way or handle situations the same way? i thought we were all individuals regardless of ethinicity...social standing...upbringing...and gender. but turns out that there is such a thing as a stereotypical man and a stereotypical woman. this is what i've compiled from my years of listening to both sides argue their case.

men are stronger...physically and emotionally. they are less sensitive compared to women...and they tend to be less sympathetic. they are also not allowed to display any signs of weakness in public. they're egotistical and they're always afraid to lose. they believe that they know women inside out but they pretend not to know and are always complaining about how women are such complicated creatures. they believe that they are smarter and more capable than women. they're hypocrites...they talk about compromise but in reality...half of them probably aren't able to grasp the true meaning of the word. they're dishonest when it comes to matters of the heart but trustworthy with secrets. and they believe in cheating but not being cheated on. they say what's on their minds without thinking about the repercussions but that's ok because in that sense they are being honest. they talk about empathy but they don't practice it. men often give up more easily compared to women. they believe in less words and more actions hence they don't like to hear things like 'we need to talk'. they don't believe in changing themselves but would prefer it if the woman changes for them. they often hide jealousy so as to not come off as being insecure and they prefer to hide their troubles rather than to talk about them even though it would affect the relationship.

women are full of emotion and they're not afraid to show it or speak about it. they often interpret things the wrong way and most of the time they blow things out of proportion. they don't take things for what it is and often analyse things a bit too much. they often doubt the sincerity of men and will question his actions and words. women are also known to be hypocrites. they talk about compromise the same way men but the difference between men and women is that women know the meaning of compromise...they just prefer to have things their way. they're honest 9 out of 10 times but they're not trustworthy with secrets as women tend to gossip a whole lot more than men. they think that men are straight forward creatures but sometimes they're thrown off course when a man who's a non-conformist steps in. women more often than not do not believe in cheating and is not likely to tolerate being cheated on either. they say what's on their minds but before they do they analyse it first so as to not hurt the person they're speaking to. they're more empathatic compared to men and they believe in persevering and overcoming obstacles rather than giving up halfway. they believe in talking as a means of gaining trust and strengthening relationships. women believe in change but most of all it has to be mutual. women are very jealous creatures and are more often than not more insecure compared to men.

this is all just heresay. it's just thoughts and opinions i've gathered from all over the place over the years. personally i've never really believed in stereotyping men and women. i always believed that every person is different. i have come across some men who behave like a stereotypical women and vice versa. i have come across other weird individuals that do not fall in either category. i myself don't believe that i am anything like a stereotypical woman. i'm not saying it is wrong to have opinions....but i never liked to be judged based on a general conception. i have to admit that i have some opinions of my own but my opinions aren't usually general ones. my opinions are usually based on individuals. i don't like starting my sentences with things such as "you men are all the same".

but i guess these opinions are general ones and there are probably people who defy the general public. everyone is entitled to their opinions and i guess i am as well. but this is what i've learned over the years....men can be as paranoid as women and women can be as egotistical as men. what men believe women are isn't necessarily right and vice versa. they might just be projecting their shortcomings and paranoia towards others and by stereotyping they might just be creating excuses to justify each others negative traits. nobody is truly who they are most of the time cause most people just try to be accommodating and agreeable. but once again...who am i to know?

on a brighter note....tomorrow is thursday...the day before friday which means i'm one step closer to the weekend.

happy day after valentines day :)

yeah...so all the commotion is over. could not believe the traffic jam i encountered on jalan damansara. actually...it started from kayu ara all the way to KL. that's amazing...worst traffic jam ever. then again...i try to avoid traffic jams so i should say worst traffic jam i've ever been in.

a friend came over to loan a few dvds just now. i think i scared him off with my organizational skills. i document every dvd that comes in and goes out. i have them catalogued and filed alphabetically and i am very strict about documenting all activity. i hate finding out that someone took something without making a note of it and i hate finding dvds that i didn't purchase. what i hate most is opening a box and finding out that the dvd ain't there or that something else is in it. so yeah...i'm a freak. but i like my movies...and i like making sure they are all placed in an orderly fashion.

finally managed to find a song from donnie darko that i just love. it's the song that pops up during the credits. i think its also played during the cinema scene. there's something relaxing about the song...something surreal. it does sound a little melancholic and sad but it puts me in a nice place. not sure what the title is though.

random observation:

was listening to hitz.fm and there was this advertisement about background music for mobile phones. i mean BACKGROUND MUSIC for mobile phones? geeezzzzzzz. what will they come up with next? who would ever come up with that idea? so what....if we activate it we could listen to background music while we're in the middle of a conversation? most of my mobile phone conversations don't go past 20 seconds so what can i possibly hear? the opening of a lot of songs don't last 20 seconds. i'd hang up before the vocals kick in. and what purpose is it suppose to serve? the conversation can't be that bad....can it? do you really need background music to muffle the sounds of the person on the other side? is it supposed to induce some sort of outdoor ambience? like you're having a conversation in a bar or a cafe. some connections are already as bad as it is. gosh...sometimes i wonder who comes up with such ideas and how they conceived it in the first place.

movie watch:

Transamerica was the pick of the week. not going to tell you the whole story but basically it's about a woman...or so it seems...who's in the process of gender reassignment. just before the final surgery she finds out that she has a son. it's funny hearing things like "i'm your father" coming out of felicity huffman. she does pull of the role very well though. not saying she looks like a man but her features are quite masculine and her deep husky voice makes it more realistic. i'm banking on her to win the oscar. then again...i banked on johnny to win the golden globe and he didn't.

Toby: "Did you know the lord of the rings is gay?"
Bree: "I beg your pardon?"
Toby: "There's this big black tower, right? And it points right at this huge burning vagina thing. And it's like the symbol of ultimate evil. And then Sam and Frodo have to go into this cave and deposit their magic ring into this hot steaming lava pit. Only at the last minute frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites off his finger. Gay."

happy f*cking valentines day!!!

that's my cynicism talking. valentines day is supposed to be a romantic day for not only couples but single people as well. they get to go 'dating'. they get to try and win the hearts of the one that they desire. pour money into buying gifts...spend hours thinking of romantic ways to express their feelings...make reservations at the finest restaurants. all that effort...

my ideal valentines day....

a new york strip steak...or maybe a chicken lasagne...bottomless coca cola....chocolate molten cake...a pint of haagen dazz vanilla flavour...french fries...durians....pineapple tarts....dvds...friends...good conversation...laughter...smiles :)

come to think of it...that's my 'everyday'. how lucky am i....

i'm contemplating purchasing 'mythbusters' season one and season two dvd box set. i've always found their shows intriguing and not to forget...educational of course. but it's really expensive. then again...it's 130 bucks for 2 seasons which if i calculate individually is 75 bucks per season. that isn't that bad...nah..it's really not bad at all. something worth considering.

the offer is still valid?

after reading through some of the things i wrote as far as 2 years back...i realized that with the exception of location...nothing much has changed. i haven't achieved much...i'm still doing what i was always doing. career wise i'm still at the same place with extra years of experience...which by the way in my line of work ain't much. i have zero savings...yes yes...zero. i haven't purchased anything that requires me to take a loan. i haven't travelled to any of the places that i planned to. come to think of it...i don't even have an international passport now since the last one was stolen. the only thing that has improved is my relationship with my friends and family. i'm still trying to figure out whether that is a good thing.

someone once told me that i'll never find a boyfriend...not only because i'm uber picky...but because i'm dog ugly...absolutely daft...plus i'm married to my friends. not only do they have to accept my faults and defects but they have to pass immigrations...customs...quarantine and a stringent quality control check. no wonder that whole 'inspired by sow' entry is still valid. anyway...like i've said many many many many so many times...my friends are great. it's hard to find anyone like them...which is why i haven't made many new friends lately.

i guess that's why i am labelled as antisocial. it's not easy to get a person like me to talk to a stranger. it's not easy for a person like me to get to know someone. first of all...the person must attract my attention by using his intelligence/intellect/wit. i don't like boring people and for me...if a person can't hold a decent conversation it would be the end of the conversation. it's no surprise that i come off as bitchy or stuck up....i've been told that many times. i have to be able to click with someone to cultivate a friendship. there has to be a level of understanding and there definitely as to be some common interest....not a lot but at least some. but it's been said that we can't choose our friends...our friends choose us. we might want someone to be our friend but it's a matter of whether the other person reciprocates that determines whether we really become friends. and with my kind of attitude...it's no wonder that i don't have many friends and that i only stick to the ones that i have. but i have to admit that there are certain people that i'd like to have kept in touch with but didn't...probably because i messed up somewhere along the way. i do piss people off quite often with my erm...slightly skewed beliefs and my very direct opinions and brutal honesty.

this whole danish cartoon thing is getting way too serious. not saying that it's right to insult another persons religion and insinuate that muslims are terrorists...but i do think that they need to lighten up a little. what's been done has been done. you can fight for an apology or just take it with a pinch of salt. laugh at it and leave it. sometimes i wonder why it is people immediately associate muslims with terrorism. is it because of the lack of education...tolerance...understanding...? is it because they're just too caught up in the whole 9/11 incident that they forgot that it was the act of a terrorist cell...not the entire muslim community. they want to blame someone...and since osama can't be found they blame the entire muslim race. then the muslims get offended and angry and things don't look so pretty anymore. and i expected more from the malaysian community.

"Long live Islam. Destroy Denmark. Destroy Israel. Destroy George Bush. Destroy America," some of the protesters shouted.

destroy is a pretty big word no? oh well...things are starting to get real ugly. and for the first time...i'm ashamed to be malaysian. i always thought we were able to handle situations like these with more poise...with more understanding...with more tolerance...and in a civilized manner. screaming "destroy destroy destroy" in the rain ain't exactly the way to make a point.

oh well...before i get arrested and locked up i shall shut up.

by the way...was watching cnn the other day and the question for the inbox that day was "should insulting another's religion be outlawed?". i wonder how they're going to enforce that law if it ever gets enacted. i'd like to see that :P

on a brighter note...anyone watch the grammy's? U2 won the grammy for best song...and they accidentally played mariah carey's song instead. so when it was announced that "the winner is...U2!!!" i expected to hear the U2 song "sometimes you can't make it on your own" for the whole 'walk to the stage' scene but instead i heard mariah carey going "we belong togeeetheeeeer".

and just to embarass myself even further... the backstreet boys sooooo deserves a grammy for best comeback!!!!!

journal: january 13th 2004 - inspired by sow

i was talking to a friend just now and we were discussing what i look for in a man. i came up with this list:-


name: preferably christian but no augustine...sebastian...bernard...etc. (call me for a detailed list)
age: between 23-28
address: anywhere within the 10km radius
race: anything that compliments your looks
religion: anything as long as you are non-religious
job: preferably a respectable and legal one (contact me for a detailed list)
language: excellent command in english both verbal and written
interests: music...movies...sports...arts (both performing and fine)...literature...travel
height: ideally 6 feet tall
weight: ideally 80kgs
i.q: >125
others: girth and length would be taken into account when considering (please attend an interview to determine whether you fit the requirements)

applicants must be honest, intelligent (which explains the iq requirement), caring, in touch with his emotions, civilised, polite, creative, determined, adventurous, outgoing, organised, reasonable, witty, possess a sense of humour, independent, fashionable....etc (contact me for a complete list)

in addition to being all of the above...applicants must also possess a valid driving license and own a car and must be computer literate. applicants do not have to have a knack for gambling but must be able to tolerate a gambler. must possess a valid passport and therefore must be willing to travel. applicants should also be sociable and be able to create and maintain strong relationships with my friends.

interested candidates should apply online with a detailed resume and a recent passport size picture. lastly, applicants should write an essay on what their expectations are in terms of relationships and love in not less than 200 words. send your completed essay along with the necessary documents to feefs_@hotmail.com for consideration. this vacancy does not have an expiry date as of yet.

guilty pleasures revealed

i came back a day early to surprise a friend who had a gig in kl last night. i must say he did really well. it wasn't exactly my scene though. somehow i felt out of place...old...weary...misplaced...lost. i have to admit that most of the people there were probably younger than me....years and years so. i'm guessing around the 17/18 region. they had strange outfits on...i've been told that it's called 'fat' pants. strange motifs and blinding colours. a whole lot of them had the same haircuts...wore the same outfits...danced the same way. if i wasn't aware...i'd think that i was in the midst of a cult. a cult that worships hard house/trance/whatever they call it nowadays. but that didn't stop me from showing my support for a friend :) those people probably thought i was lost....that i'm foreign and i walked into the wrong club on the wrong night. wait till they find out that i could be their teacher :P

anyway...i left the gig early to rejoin my friends in the spirit of chinese new year. it's not so much the gambling that lures me...it's the company of friends. today is supposed to mark the official end to chinese new year. i have a feeling this year will be different. previously...chinese new year ran for 3 months. it usually started during hari raya and would extend a month or so past chap goh meh. but things have changed...everyone has started working...priorities have changed. so this year...chinese new year ends as it should. with not much losses...with the company of friends and family...lotsa smiles...lotsa love...lotsa spirit...lotsa celebrations :)

anyway...as the title so clearly states...here goes...

- backstreet boys - never gone album
- mariah carey
- mahjong
- lychees and durians
- haagen dazz vanilla
- queer as folk

if i think of anymore i'll add them

journal: 13th February 2004 - Happy Valentines Day????

it's official...my family is demented. got a valentines wish from my dad this morning...5am to be exact. maybe in kelantan it might be normal but i don't think parents are supposed to send valentines wishes to their children...via sms i might add. or am i just being a bit paranoid? i mean i've been his daughter for like 22 years and he's never sent me a valentines sms. if it was a yearly thing i guess it would seem pretty normal but after 22 years...wtf?

oh well...in the spirit of valentines...i shall write a bit about valentines...or the lack of it in my case. i've never really been an advocate of valentines. i always believed that it was just some sort of money making gimmick. prices go sky high...restaurants throw out their a la carte menu for a set menu and they charge way too much for a 6 course meal that i can cook myself for under 20 bucks...flowers become the in thing...and everything looks red or pink. even yahoo has some sort of pink valentine thing going on. everywhere i turn there are red hearts and gifts that say 'i love you'. my question is...why february 14th? shouldn't everyday be valentines day if two people are truly in love?

why do people just make valentines day an excuse to go for romantic dinners and buy flowers and gifts? it seems as if valentines day has become a chore rather than a day to reflect and celebrate. then again...i reflect and celebrate everyday...but that's just me. i think people just get sucked into the whole valentines day mumbo jumbo because society expects them to. everyone is making reservations and buying gifts...so why should i be left out? if we don't fall in line then we're labelled 'sad' or 'unromantic' or 'insensitive'. couples actually do break up over such trivial stuff such as forgetting a 2 week anniversary or not getting the 'i just love those prada shoes' hint. i just don't get how people seem to think that weekly and monthly anniversaries..valentines day..are so important (no offence to my friends out there who do). if we're truly in love...shouldn't everyday be important...not just the holidays and the birthdays and the other mumbo jumbo's.

my last relationship...which happens to be the only meaningful relationship i was in...lasted almost 2 years. i didn't have an anniversary...and i literally mean i have no idea when the 'togetherness' actually happened...i didn't celebrate valentines day...and birthdays were just literally the day multiplied by the years that we were conceived. it didn't make the relationship less meaningful...it didn't make us insensitive..it didn't make us uncaring...it just meant that we were non-conformist. we didn't believe that we had an obligation to toe the line. and heck it saves us a whole lot of money as well.

but hey...sometimes i wonder whether the whole 'valentines day is crap' is just something we single people say as a defense mechanism (did i just say that out loud?). i don't exactly have anyone to celebrate valentines day with...nobody is buying my gifts...i have no man. am i just being bitter...or am i just being practical. but hey...i'm just a single person...what do i know about meaningful relationships...what do i know about love? and you know what else i think...i don't think i've scored any points by revealing my stand on valentines day and romance. you people reading this are probably thinking that i'm the saddest most pathetic person around. a year ago...i would probably agree with you...but now...i might actually consider myself as wise and practical.

kiera knightley?

tuesday night can only mean one thing....pub quiz. time to let my nerd-ism shine. actually...i'm half nerd half idiot. it might seem as if i'm smart and intelligent...but actually i'm just a fool in disguise.

anyway...nominations for the oscars are out. seems like a gay cowboy movie is the favourite to win best picture and probably best director. funny...i read somewhere that this would probably be the oscars with the lowest viewer ratings ever. chances are...more people would've watched the nominated best documentary feature "the march of the penguins" than all of the nominated movies combined. with the exception of "munich"...all the other movies are low budget independent films. gone are the days of "titanic" and "lord of the rings". most of the movies that are nominated probably wouldn't even be screened at local theatres. i guess the government can't blame us for seeking out pirated dvds if they're not going to give us the opportunity to even consider watching it in the cinema.

i'm disappointed that johnny didn't get nominated for charlie. i've always been a big johnny depp fan and i think he really deserved to be nominated. oh well...hopefully the academy will think likewise sometime soon. i'm so not a reese witherspoon fan so i'm hoping that felicity huffman wins best actress this year. i caught a glimpse of "transamerica" and from what i could tell she gave an excellent performance. funny...she's always been a TV actress...with the exception of magnolia and raising helen but those were tiny little roles. and now after one attempt as the leading lady in a motion picture she gets nominated.

anyway...enough entertainment talk. i have yet to watch half the movies and performances nominated this year so i can't actually judge. i'm hoping that "crash" wins best picture though...and who knows...kiera knightley could've done amazingly well. i guess i have to watch "pride and prejudice" to find out.

so i've been thinking a lot about this whole singapore vs. malaysia thing. i've decided not to pick sides. over the years i've actually learnt to enjoy my time in singapore. i miss my home dearly...which explains why i'm back almost every week...but i must admit that singapore has its plus points. nothing fantastic and nothing that's more important than friends and family but it does make me smile sometimes. and i do miss being there when i'm back home in kl...for extremely long periods of time that is. so will i stay in singapore...or will i terminate my service in april? i have yet to decide. chances are i'll stay till august but the terms and conditions have not been discussed so i'm not going to put my homecoming plans on hold just yet.

the chinese new year spirit seems to have faded. with everyone returning to work yesterday and most establishments re-opening i guess we have to face reality. the holidays are over...it's time to get back to work...it's time to sleep slightly earlier and wake up early in the morning. so the festivities has ended...for now. but i do foresee a killer of a celebration happening this weekend before the final day of chinese new year dawns upon us. plus...papa gambler is coming back...hopefully bearing gifts from vegas.

in the meantime...it's off to the dvd shop...i'm thinking brokeback mountain...capote...history of violence...munich...and whatever secret treasures i can find.

fearless

i find myself unable to pay attention for more than 30 minutes. i get agitated...restless...moody...bored...sometimes even hungry. i'd watch a movie and before i'm halfway through i'd turn it off and start flipping channels. that is just not what i do. anyone can tell you that i sit through a movie...even if i haven't slept for 72 hours and its a 3 hours long terrible drama about the life of a sloth. not because i like the torture but because i just had to know how it ends and whether it can get any worse than it already is. so basically...i haven't watched a full movie in more than a week.

but today i watched fearless...and i sat through it. probably because i was in a cinema and there wasn't anywhere i could run to and no way i could flip channels. by the way...it seemed as if they locked all the exits during the movie. people were getting up and trying to find their way to the loo but they ended up having to suck it in. it's funny to see people walking up and down frantically trying to open every door...only to be disappointed.

so fearless wasn't exactly a great movie. yes...i know it's jet li's supposed final martial arts movie. i'm wondering where he'll go from here. he can't do anything other than martial arts. i can't imagine him in a romantic comedy or a biographical drama. the movie was a bit too slow for me. i have to admit that i would've enjoyed it more if it was in english. yes....i'm biased towards chinese movies. not because i don't understand the language but also because 9 out of 10 chinese movies contain terrible acting and lousy storylines. this movie had an interesting storyline...mediocre performances from the cast...and a lack of subtitles/intepretation. it wasn't enough to keep me interested. but i do have to say that the action scenes were impressive. and what's with the dubbing? jet li didn't sound like jet li...the lip movement wasn't in sync with the audio...it was all wrong. i must say that i was pretty impressed with the soundtrack though. will see if i can get a copy.

disappointed with...

all of the above don't mix....

recently...a friend was in need. his father passed away due to a medical condition. so this happened sometime over chinese new year. naturally...i agreed to go for the service without having to even think twice. so when i conveyed the message to some of my friends...i was taken aback by all the different responses. it's chinese new year...i'm born in the year of the monkey...pantang lah...blah blah. not showing any disrespect to their cultures or their beliefs but i was shocked. partly because i thought they would react the same way i did because a friend was in need and partly because i've never heard of such beliefs before. it was all new to me.

so being the doubting thomas that i always am...i questioned. i tried to find out why people would believe in such things. apparently...bad luck would befall upon those who went against tradition. granted...people might believe so. bad luck can befall anyone...chinese...caucasian...christian...bhuddist. bad luck knows no name...no race...no religion. so would everyone else...chinese and otherwise who attended the funeral be at the mercy of bad luck? why is it everyone wants to blame something or someone else? if bad luck were to befall upon me over this year...i won't blame it on the situation. i would blame myself...i would blame coincidence...i would blame it on sheer bad luck.

anyway...i'm not blaming anyone for the choices they make. i just want to understand why it is they make those choices. because if they can't convince me...how can they convince themselves?

i want to know why such traditions...such beliefs scare them into abandoning common decency...humanity. isn't it only right to support your friend and be there for them when they're in need? yes...support doesn't necessarily come in physical form. he might understand why none of his friends attended his father's funeral...he might have even done the same thing if it was someone else in the same situation. but regardless of how much we understand...how much we accept...we will definitely feel the pinch....the loneliness...the grief. and would we want to be feeling that if we were in his shoes?

my dad always thought me to put myself in another persons shoes. how would i react...how would i want other people to react towards me?

once again...i don't blame anyone for the choices they make. i don't blame them for believing in what they do. i just want to try to understand. in the end...i blame fear. people are afraid. they've been told stories from ages ago. passed down from generation to generation. it has spread like an epidemic. one person probably went through a similar situation...months later he/she probably encountered a stroke of bad luck. they then blamed the situation. I call it a self fulfilling prophecy. then the story goes round and round till it poisons and scares the minds of everyone who's been told.

i know some things can't be logical or rational. some things are spiritual. some things can't be explained...there's no point arguing. but let me ask you this....aren't we all grown up enough and intelligent enough to think for ourselves and not let something like religion and tradition and fear make our choices for us? ugh...the mysteries of life....

anyway...this post in no way is meant to attack or point fingers at anyone. i'm just disappointed...frustrated...and confused.